Sex or Gender?

November 20 is Transgender Remembrance Day. It's the time when we are called to put before us those men and women who have been killed, raped, tortured and persecuted because of their gender identity. You can learn more about this day at http://www.gender.org/. In Butler PFLAG we are fortunate to have the inclusion of members who are at various points in their gender transition.


What I am learning from transgendered persons is growing and enriching me. I learn about courage, conviction, strength, restraint, determination, pride, struggle, honor, relationship and it just keeps on growing. What I am learning now, because of the transgender persons in my circle of friends, is the difference between sexuality and gender.


I am beginning to see that gender is how we understand ourselves in relationship to other people. Sexuality is how we express our gender identity. At the meeting in Evans City we talked about how Southwestern Native Americans have eight ways of understanding gender identity. We're so used to understanding our genders as either one of two. In reality, however, PFLAG and other like-minded groups have at least six ways to understand gender. We are:
1. Straight
2. Gay
3. Lesbian
4. Bisexual
5. Transgender
6. Queer
These are six different ways of understanding how people identify themselves not merely what they do sexually. In each of those gender identities are countless ways to express sexuality as well as the entirety of life.

I'm really not fond of the term "straight". It seems demeaning to me, somehow, that people who understand themselves to be heterosexual are uncomplicated, or that they have a "point A to point B" way of relating to each other. To say "straight" seems to undercut the struggle and pain that heterosexual identity brings. They are as confused as anyone about how to live their lives through their sexuality.

We have one another to hold in gratitude for this wider perspective and growing clarity about how broad are the paths to understanding all genders and the dynamic ways to express them. When we enter into the work of PFLAG we are invited to enter into a new relationship with all genders and their expressions. We are being asked to invite all people into that same openness and equality of personhood. Our aim is to create that arena where all genders are not only free but are encouraged to discover ever deepening ways of knowing their lives. PFLAG is about so much more than just sexuality. It's about a complete life orientation.

There is no better time than November 20, Transgender Remembrance Day, to raise up in ourselves a new appreciation and a greater sense of wonder for the liberated view we are encouraged to have about the way we see ourselves and every other person.

Peace to all, Joe Tomlinson

Coming Out For What?

Those of us who have come out as a sexual minority or as a loved one, an ally, of sexual minorities, typically mean that we have come out to a person or a group. That means that we have let them know that we are GLBTQ or care for someone who is. We’ve informed them, taken the consequences and then probably made the adjustments for it in our relationships with them.

First of all, let me perfectly clear: there is always someone new to come out to. Coming out as GLBTQ or ally is never a finished thing. Whether it’s a relative or friend you haven‘t seen or talked to in years, your new neighbor, the bank teller, the grocery clerk, there is always a new situation to deal with as a sexual minority or as an ally. It’s never done.

Coming out as a straight ally may be a very rugged experience. Many will take you to task, confront you as being a suspected GLBTQ yourself or just raise doubts about you as a person. Many lose friends or have their family relationships strained because of it. There may be some other loss that is every bit as vital and as important as the loss sexual minorities experiences when they come out.

Let’s consider here another way of understanding “coming out”. We can still use the idea of a closet but instead of people waiting on us on the other side of the door let’s think of the other side of the door as being the new life, new perspective, new awareness that, we ourselves have opened. What are we coming out TO? Why come out?

There is more to coming out than just letting someone know who we are in our life’s orientation. Coming out is acknowledging that there is a new way of seeing. Certainly part of that new way of seeing is coming out of the things that our culture and society says about us. We are much more than what we do or don’t do with our genitals and who we do or don't do it with.

For GLBTQ’s it’s a recognition that it isn’t just about our sexuality. It’s everything about us that "comes out". Every cell, every atom, every idea, every hair on our head (or lack thereof) comes out. Being a sexual minority is about understanding life in a new way or finally expressing what we've always known. It’s about having a perspective which includes but is not limited to loving people of the same gender or --understanding our own gender in an uncommon way.

The same is certainly true of a straight ally. Allies realize that there is more to a GLBTQ than what they do with their genitals. Allies know that a sexual minority person has a perspective on life that is different. In knowing that, allies, themselves have a perspective about living that is also uncommon. Coming out as an ally often brings many changes.

What is not so clear from what we hear about ourselves, what our culture tells us, is that being GLBTQ or ally is also about having a role to play in our culture -- a valuable relationship to perform for the whole culture. It's not just about having sex, not just about rainbow flags, or making a stand in our religions, or arguing. It's not just about boyfriends and girlfriends, being pre or post op, being open to both genders, web site profiles, hooking up or any of the limited understandings we have about sexual minorities and allies.

In the book Coming Out Spiritually, author Christian de la Huerta, echoes the thoughts of so many gay authors when heedescribes the traditional roles that sexual minorities have played throughout history. He talks about GLBTQ persons as

• Catalytic transformers: agents of change
• Outsiders mirroring society
• Consciousness scouts: going first and taking risks
• Sacred clowns and eternal youths: a gay young spirit
• Coyote: native American trickster
• Keepers of beauty: reaching for the sacred
• Caregivers and midwives of new lives
• Mediators: the In-Between People
• Shamans and Priests: sacred functionaries
• Divine androgyne: an evolution of humanity
  

These may seem strange and unusual terms on first reading but once more is learned about them they will seem to express so much of what each of us have always known about ourselves and our loved ones. I urge you to read de la Huerta’s book and others which talk about our roles in culture; roles that concern much more than who we have sex with or who we love.

Other authors who write about the powerful things sexual minorities accomplish in culture and society are: Andrew Ramer, Pat Califia, Will Roscoe, Andrew Harvey, Mark Thompson, Matthew Fox, Lynn Witt, Judy Grahn, Randy P. Conner, Ram Dass, Michelangelo Signorile, Torie Osborn and so many many more.

The universe keeps making us: gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people and the universe keeps making people who understand that and love us for it. Our allies don’t just love us in spite of our life’s orientation. They love us FOR it and the great roles we can play and the great relationships we can nurture.


There’s more to us, all of us, than what culture may tell us about ourselves. Coming out also means stepping out of the untruths and half truths that are told about us and stepping into the roles and relationships that bring growth and healing to the world.

What's a Queer?

Give me an 'G', give me an 'L', give me 'B' 'T' 'Q' -- whaddya got? That's a good question. We have grown so used to using those letters GLBTQ to describe the vast continuum of what a sexual minority person is, can or might be. Still, it doesn't say it all, does it?

I'm not sure which Native American culture it is (one of the Southwest nations, I believe) but they have 8 different ways to understand sexual identity. Count 'em: 8!
Their understanding, it seems, makes room for a larger understanding of how people express themselves sexually and relationally.

For those who identify themselves as STRAIGHT the letters might be a bit confusing --especially the "Q". Being called "QUEER" has been such a painful thing for so many. Many straight people are offended by that label, especially if it is applied to their loved one. Just as someone not African American but loving someone who is would be offended by the "N" word. What does QUEER really mean in the context of a sexual minority?

Please know you are welcome to correct my understanding but I'm going to give it a shot. To me, QUEER means that one has an understanding of themselves as being a sexual minority but that sex has a back seat to their overall identity. In other words, it may be a person who is LGBT but who does not have sex -- by choice. Said in another way, the type of sex a QUEER may have is not the main identifier for that person. I think of Andy Warhol, for example. I think of my friend Kevin, in Spokane, WA. He only says that he's QUEER. He feels more expressed by that term than he does by GAY. Make no mistake, he loves his men but it is his artistic and creative expression which gives him his identity. Not the type of sex he has.

I remember seeing a button that read: "Homosexual by birth. Gay by choice". In other words, our attractions are part of our psycho-physical selves; there at birth, part of our DNA. Which cultural expression we choose to join up with is entirely our choice. In my case, I choose GAY. What about you?

I've know men and women who consider themselves queer. In a few instances some have been heterosexually attracted but felt themselves to be more QUEER than STRAIGHT. I get that. I understand that. It could be one of those "8" Native American identities.

The point is (and I do have one, as Ellen says)that there are some things that we are born with and some things we can make choices about. How we identify ourselves is our choice. Feel free to use any letter you wish: GLBTQRSVCPK2&?%D. Your identity is respected, accepted, enecouraged, believed in and protected by us, your PFLAG Butler.

The human gift of choice is what we're all about. Our sexual attractions may be as natural to us as the color of our eyes. How we express them is entirely our choice.

NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY 2009

In the PFLAG manual there are included several public policy statements which detail PFLAG's official position on several important issues. This is a vital part of the ADVOCACY which PFLAG provides. Among the issues are:

• Adolescent Sexual Health
• Boy Scouts of America
• Comprehensive Health and Sex Education
• Employment Non-Discrimination Act
• Family Values
• Human Sexuality
• Legalized Discrimination and
• NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY

If you would like to read any or all of those statements please go to their web site at www.PFLAG.org or let me know and I'll get them to you. Regarding NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY (Sunday, October 11, 2009) PFLAG encourages us to participate wherever and whenever possible. Do you want to?

The annual observance began on October 11, 1988, exactly one year after the Second National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. (The first one was held October 14, 1979.)

Isn't it time for Butler County to join in the event! Starting slowly, with low horizons, we can gather together in some way to acknowledge our gay and "out" lives. It's a time not only for GLBTQ persons but also for Straight Allies to come out into the open. Parents, Families and Friends of GLBTQs often face as much discrimination and prejudice as their loved ones. PFLAG's great strength is the role that Straight Allies of GLBTQs play in creating bridges of understanding.

There are so many things we could do. Here are some suggestions from the Human Rights Committee:

• Come Out to Family, Friends and Co-Workers
• Host a Guest Speaker
• Sponsor a GLBT-Themed Lecture and/or Discussion Series
• Set Up an Information Table
• Hold a Speak-Out or Rally
• Come Out to Your Elected Officials
• Show Your Support Through Fashion
• Run a Visibility Ad
• Hold an Interfaith Service
• Hold a Queer Prom, Dance or Party

Check out their web site http://www.hrc.org/issues for all their great ideas.

I've participated in just one such observance and it was quite powerful for me. The group had constructed a portable closet which was placed in a public space (a park in this instance). Everyone was invited to have their name announced and then walk through the closet door in a grand entry style to the applause and admiration of the crowd. It was a lot of fun.

It was important to every age. To those who had been out for as long as they could remember and to those who had just come to terms with their sexuality, as well as to those who finally lowered their barriers to a loved one who had come out. It was a chance to say out loud, with pride and support, what we each carry with us every moment of our lives.

That may not be the way we would like to do it. That's the beauty of it: we get to decide if and how we'd like to provide that observance for one another. Our options are wide open --as open as the closets we've left.

If you are able to come to the October 1st meeting (7 - 8:30 PM at the Butler Public Library) we will make a decision what we'd like to do -- IF we'd like to do it. Keeping in mind that we would have only 10 days to organize it, think what we could pull together that would not require a budget or too much publicity. There are always the years to come to get more involved with this important day for us.

Let's make it meaningful and fun, lighthearted and intentional! As always, please leave a comment, a suggestion, a question, an idea, a concern. See you on the 1st !

Peace, Joe Tomlinson

2 B PFLAG OR NOT 2 B PFLAG

That's the question we're asking ourselves in Butler County, PA. The GLBTQ person in Butler County has so many needs that, at this point, it's hard to tell where is the best entry point to address them.

Is PFLAG that gateway for us? PFLAG certainly does address many of the issues that are of concern to every GLBTQ person and every person who loves/likes/supports them. Are we really looking for bridges to be built between GLBTQs and the dominant sexuality culture, i.e. heterosexuality? Or are we simply wanting to know other GLBTQ persons; networking, socializing, hooking-up? Are we ready to begin addressing the homophobic and aggressively anti-GLBTQ culture of Butler County by reaching out to allies of individuals, organizations and faith communities? I simply don't know.

Are we asking too much of ourselves to adapt our needs into an organizational structure, adhering to by-laws and paying dues? Or is such a framework exactly what we are needing? Are we able to create a valid place for ourselves in Butler County or do we need the education, advocacy and support of a larger coalition to help us BE the valid place. Do we believe that we are the people we have been waiting for?

Are we strong enough? In 1993 and 1994 I worked on a political campaign ("Hands Off Washington") in Washington State to help defeat proposed anti-gay ballot initiatives that would've endangered the freedom of sexual minorities across the state. We were successful in defeating those initiatives after years of work and millions of dollars. The ballot initiatives came to WA from Springfield, OR's Lon Mabon and the Oregon Citizens Alliance. When they failed in WA they moved on to Idaho and then on to Montana.

I was asked to come to Montana in the Bitter Root Valley to speak to a local gay alliance about our work in WA. I arrived late in the evening and found my way to my hosts' mammoth log house where two gay men and their dogs lived a "gay fantasy" life; beards, red long johns, organic garden, and so on. The next day was the meeting and I really had no idea what to expect . What I found was shocking.

GLBTQs from hundreds of miles away drove with casseroles in tow, some had their children, some had their dogs, all had the hope of making a difference. They had built an entirely new building for their community. Instead of GLBTQs using another group's building, other groups used the GLBTQ building: the Community Center. These men and women were ready for the fight. Mabon knew he was licked before he got started there and the fight never came but it was the firm grounded stance of the GLBTQ communities across the state that made that happen

The key is leadership, of course. Who among the GLBTQ population in Butler County is our Harvey Milk, our Pat Califia, Brenda Howard, Mary Wollstonecraft, Larry Kramer? Who feels it in their bones to lead us? Who are the straight allies we so desperately need to help us win the validation we seek? Who are the political visionaries who see GLBTQ Americans being robbed of their birth right status as Constitutionally protected citizens? Certainly not Brian Ellis and Darrel Metcalfe. They would gladly welcome someone like Lon Mabon into our lives.

Is the GLBTQ community of Butler County able to respond to the real threat, the growing threat, the actual and present threat to our safety and our accessibility to all the opportunities of our society?

We can't meet every challenge in front of us, right now. We can, however, start to strengthen our sense of responsibility to one another. There are a couple of other questions in addition to whether or not we can be a PFLAG Chapter. Can we be there for each other? Are we the people we've been waiting on to make a difference in the lives of GLBTQ persons in Butler County?