First of all, let me perfectly clear: there is always someone new to come out to. Coming out as GLBTQ or ally is never a finished thing. Whether it’s a relative or friend you haven‘t seen or talked to in years, your new neighbor, the bank teller, the grocery clerk, there is always a new situation to deal with as a sexual minority or as an ally. It’s never done.
Coming out as a straight ally may be a very rugged experience. Many will take you to task, confront you as being a suspected GLBTQ yourself or just raise doubts about you as a person. Many lose friends or have their family relationships strained because of it. There may be some other loss that is every bit as vital and as important as the loss sexual minorities experiences when they come out.
Let’s consider here another way of understanding “coming out”. We can still use the idea of a closet but instead of people waiting on us on the other side of the door let’s think of the other side of the door as being the new life, new perspective, new awareness that, we ourselves have opened. What are we coming out TO? Why come out?
There is more to coming out than just letting someone know who we are in our life’s orientation. Coming out is acknowledging that there is a new way of seeing. Certainly part of that new way of seeing is coming out of the things that our culture and society says about us. We are much more than what we do or don’t do with our genitals and who we do or don't do it with.
For GLBTQ’s it’s a recognition that it isn’t just about our sexuality. It’s everything about us that "comes out". Every cell, every atom, every idea, every hair on our head (or lack thereof) comes out. Being a sexual minority is about understanding life in a new way or finally expressing what we've always known. It’s about having a perspective which includes but is not limited to loving people of the same gender or --understanding our own gender in an uncommon way.
The same is certainly true of a straight ally. Allies realize that there is more to a GLBTQ than what they do with their genitals. Allies know that a sexual minority person has a perspective on life that is different. In knowing that, allies, themselves have a perspective about living that is also uncommon. Coming out as an ally often brings many changes.
What is not so clear from what we hear about ourselves, what our culture tells us, is that being GLBTQ or ally is also about having a role to play in our culture -- a valuable relationship to perform for the whole culture. It's not just about having sex, not just about rainbow flags, or making a stand in our religions, or arguing. It's not just about boyfriends and girlfriends, being pre or post op, being open to both genders, web site profiles, hooking up or any of the limited understandings we have about sexual minorities and allies.
In the book Coming Out Spiritually, author Christian de la Huerta, echoes the thoughts of so many gay authors when heedescribes the traditional roles that sexual minorities have played throughout history. He talks about GLBTQ persons as
- Catalytic transformers: agents of change
- Outsiders mirroring society
- Consciousness scouts: going first and taking risks
- Sacred clowns and eternal youths: a gay young spirit
- Coyote: native American trickster
- Keepers of beauty: reaching for the sacred
- Caregivers and midwives of new lives
- Mediators: the In-Between People
- Shamans and Priests: sacred functionaries
- Divine androgyne: an evolution of humanity
These may seem strange and unusual terms on first reading but once more is learned about them they will seem to express so much of what each of us have always known about ourselves and our loved ones. I urge you to read de la Huerta’s book and others which talk about our roles in culture; roles that concern much more than who we have sex with or who we love.
Other authors who write about the powerful things sexual minorities accomplish in culture and society are: Andrew Ramer, Pat Califia, Will Roscoe, Andrew Harvey, Mark Thompson, Matthew Fox, Lynn Witt, Judy Grahn, Randy P. Conner, Ram Dass, Michelangelo Signorile, Torie Osborn and so many many more.
The universe keeps making us: gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people and the universe keeps making people who understand that and love us for it. Our allies don’t just love us in spite of our life’s orientation. They love us FOR it and the great roles we can play and the great relationships we can nurture.
There’s more to us, all of us, than what culture may tell us about ourselves. Coming out also means stepping out of the untruths and half truths that are told about us and stepping into the roles and relationships that bring growth and healing to the world.
